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I was thinking about some of the things we might do together at school. Jeff was quietly enjoying the journey as well. Wasn’t he? I couldn’t tell from the look on his face. He looked like he might be distracted. Was I just thinking too much? I needed to get a little perspective here. Despite all the supposedly fabulous men I had dated, I had never really had a boyfriend. Shocking, isn’t it? What was the value in having a boyfriend? I could get a quality date whenever I wanted, to do whatever I wanted, wherever I wanted. I could have as little or as much sex as I wanted, and whatever kind I wanted. I could have complete control over any situation. A boyfriend would feel entitled to make demands on my time, on my attention, to have some say in the relationship. What did I need that for when I could get everything I wanted at no cost? Maybe this wasn’t love and forever after, maybe it was just infatuation. Perhaps I had just been caught up in the moment. It was a most excellent moment. You have a roll of dimes taped tight that makes hitting lethal and you learn to use a knife. You never smile or laugh or cry and when your so-called parents walk out you know it's your fault. From the start you can't understand the games boys play... you do them anyway. When your seventeen you walk away from a scholarship and join the Air Force, hiding in plain sight. You try sex with men and sex with women and you still feel nothing so you close down even more. You don't much care if you're hurt as long as whomever attacks is worse off; people notice. And then you reach your goal ... War. It's about time, you think; now you can die and still be a man. What a lie you tell your self.Then the fun starts...Walking through the jungle doing the things the Powers That Be want done doesn't bother you. Sleeping in rain, sweat and fear doesn't either; you've done that all your life. Then comes the sweet sound of Dustoff and your life changes forever. You watch detached as the bird gets shot.
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